Now firstly I want to talk about those memes that we see floating around the inter web about how a hang over at 27 gets you hospitalised HA HA HA. So funny…. NO. No longer funny. No longer a distant look into the future that I will never get to because I’m a legend with a high tolerance who can binge drink like no other and wake up the next morning, climb mountains, head to work for a 7am start, swim to the shark nets and back without drowning. Basically, the reason I could sell having a night out almost every night was because it never stopped me the next day. 

WELL, as I come within a two month reach of my 27th birthday, let me fucking tell you this phenomenon has come to a screeching front wheel drive halt. I’m not sure how many “days after” I have to spend wrapped around the toilet bowl, or demanding that the car be pulled over immediately so I can relieve the vicious pounding in my skull through heaving up the contents of my stomach, or lack there of by vomit numero 3. 

It’s times to come to terms with the sad new fear that comes with a night of drinking and that is death. Yes, I could die. If not from choking on my own vomit the next day it will definitely be from the guilt and anxiety, perhaps even borderline shame, I feel from a mere two bottles of red wine sending me to an early grave. I’ve included the following symptoms for those reading this that fear they might be heading in the same direction as yours truly… 

1. You grace yourself with a tact vom the night before thinking it will solve all the issues the next morning. FORE WARNING - it doesn’t 

2.  You wake with a pounding headache and quickly manage the courage and the bravery to medicate and if you can manage it, shower, brush the teeth, do anything to try and relieve yourself of the residual alcohol taste that consumes your mouth. 

3. Thank the lord you don’t have anywhere important enough to be this morning that you cannot cancel it. 

4. Or cry tragedy and demand compassion from the important thing that you had to be at but simply cannot because - dying. This is what some may call lying, but I prefer survival.

5. You lay as still and as flat as possible hiding your poor light sensitive eyes from any kind of UV invasion. 

6. Until it happens, that final stomach curl that sends you tossing yourself into the toilet region and hoping that the pending upheaval of that piece of dry toast you force fed yourself this morning comes smoothly. 

7. After choking on that for a solid 5, the pounding in the head resides, there’s a certain feeling of success, like you’ve just released the devil himself through your mouth and have surely been exorcised of this demon-esque hang over

8. WRONG, the relief is short lived

9. Please repeat this cycle for the next 5-6 hours

10. Until around 8pm when you start to feel the humanity creep back in

This point in the hangover can go one of either way. You can feel a false sense of security and will tell yourself that even though you’ve wasted an entire day you deserve another beer/wine just to reward yourself for the sheer determination to not let the hangover claim your life. OR, you can go to bed sulking about how old you are and how you’re never going to drink again, or for at least a couple of weeks before you need reminding again that you’re no longer invincible. Sadly either one of these scenarios is going to see you wake up the next morning with the same headache lingering. 

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing…